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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25760212">delavian chocolates (anything you desire)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ectogeo/pseuds/plain_and_simple_tailor'>plain_and_simple_tailor (ectogeo)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode Related, Episode: s03e20 Improbable Cause, Episode: s03e21 The Die Is Cast, Fade to Black, First Time, Getting Together, Illustrated, M/M, Missing Scene, Mutual Pining, Some fluff too</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:07:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,452</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25760212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ectogeo/pseuds/plain_and_simple_tailor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As Garak leaves DS9 to rescue Tain from the Romulans, Julian gives him a box of Delavian chocolates... and a love letter! Throughout the events of Improbable Cause/The Die is Cast, Garak grapples with the troublesome new knowledge that Julian actually reciprocates his feelings and struggles with the pressure of living up to Tain’s expectations. Meanwhile on the station, Julian impatiently awaits Garak’s return, and passes the time by asking everyone within earshot for advice about how to woo Garak because he’s worried his letter wasn’t obvious enough.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elim Garak &amp; Enabran Tain, Julian Bashir &amp; Jadzia Dax, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. anchoring stitch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Julian gives Garak Delavian chocolates as he leaves on a mission to rescue Tain. Garak and Odo snipe at each other on the runabout. Then Garak discovers a note Julian left for him in the box of chocolates and realizes Julian has feelings for him. Luckily, Garak is an expert who knows just how to handle his own pesky feelings (deny them forever).</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garak stood in the threshold to the airlock, with Julian looking up at him.</p><p>“These are for you,” Julian said, holding out the small silver box.</p><p>“Delavian chocolates,” he said in surprise. He let his fingers touch Julian’s briefly, trying to make it seem like an accident, and delicately accepted the box. “But these were meant for you.”</p><p>“I know. I thought you might need them more than I do.”</p><p>“Thank you.” His smile was so kind and beautiful that Garak didn’t want to look away, he wanted to stay frozen in this moment forever, but he knew it was already over.</p><p>“Good luck,” Julian said.</p><p>Garak smiled slightly, then quickly broke off the eye contact and turned to join Odo in the runabout.</p><p>*</p><p>“We've cleared the station. Now if you'll be kind enough to let me know where we're going, I'll set a course,” Odo said.</p><p>Once Garak had explained where he suspected Tain might be, and the course was set, Odo asked, “That woman, Mila. Who is she?”</p><p>“She's been Tain's housekeeper and confidant for over thirty years.” Garak had no intention of informing Odo that Mila was his mother, just as he was not going to admit that Tain was his father.</p><p>“She seemed almost fond of you.”</p><p>“Is it so hard to believe that there's one person in this galaxy who could regard me with a certain affection?”</p><p>“I could believe there's one but I wouldn't expect it to be someone who worked for Enabran Tain. As I understand it, the two of you didn't part on the best of terms.”</p><p>“You could say that. Tain was directly responsible for my exile from Cardassia.”</p><p>“Then I don't understand—”</p><p>“Why I would be risking my life to help him?”</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>“Yes, I can see how that would be puzzling.” It was crystal clear to Garak. Tain was his father and he had to help him, despite everything.</p><p>After a few guesses from Odo about why Garak might want to help Tain, and a few noncommittal retorts from Garak, Odo finally said, “You wouldn't risk going into Cardassian space for just anyone. It would have to be someone important to you, someone you cared about. I think you were more than Tain's advisor. I think you were his protégé and he was your mentor. That is, until he sent you into exile. And yet, despite that, you care enough about him to risk your life for him. Or is all that just supposition?”</p><p>Garak noticed that the guessing game he’d been allowing had stopped being fun now that Odo was so close to the truth. He tried to keep his tone calm, even as he lashed out. “A very interesting analysis. Very interesting. Particularly coming from you.”</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“It's been my observation that you always act from a sense of justice, or at least what you consider justice. There's no feeling behind what you do, no emotion beyond a certain distaste for loose ends and disorder. You don't know what it means to care about someone, do you? People are just interesting creatures to be studied and analyzed.”</p><p>“Is there any point to this?”</p><p>“Only that I find it interesting that you ascribe feelings and motivations to me that you know nothing about. Or am I wrong? Tell me, is there one person in this universe you do care for? One person who's more than just an interesting puzzle to be solved. Is there, Odo? Anyone?”</p><p>“If there were, I certainly wouldn't tell you.”</p><p>“And that would be a wise decision.”</p><p>With that, Garak stood and retreated to the back of the runabout with as much grace as he could muster, but he felt rattled after Odo’s far too keen observations about his relationships with Mila and Tain. It was embarrassing to have been so deeply affected by Odo’s scrutiny. Garak wasn’t sure if Odo was just that good of an interrogator or if he himself was just becoming sloppier.</p><p>He paced around the back room of the runabout and took some deep breaths to calm himself down.</p><p>Garak soon returned to the front of the runabout, resolved to prove he was unconcerned by Odo nosing into his personal business.</p><p>As soon as he sat down, Odo swiveled away from the runabout control console to face him. “So. Chocolates from Dr. Bashir but no goodbye kiss? Is everything all right with your relationship?” Odo asked with simpering sarcastic concern, his head tilted.</p><p>My, Odo was in quite a bold mood today. Garak winced internally and supposed the blow was well-deserved, as he had ended their previous conversation by insulting Odo’s lack of meaningful personal and romantic relationships. But he didn’t want give Odo the satisfaction of realizing he was still getting under his skin. So he put on his friendliest customer service smile, and told an obvious lie.</p><p>“Oh, everything is splendid with us! But, as per traditional Cardassian custom, it would be unseemly to kiss my betrothed in public until after the enjoinment ceremony… And before you ask, no, you are not invited.”</p><p>“Oh, <em>really</em>.” Odo could roll his eyes with just the tone of his voice sometimes. “I suppose you have some convoluted explanation for all those unwed Cardassians that I had the misfortune to witness kissing on the Promenade during my time on Terok Nor.”</p><p>“Ah, I understand your confusion… The local traditions practiced in the small village I grew up in are much more demure than the rambunctious behaviors you can expect from members of the Cardassian military.”</p><p>“I’m sure.”</p><p>As Garak launched into a detailed description of relationship customs in the rural backwaters of Cardassia VI, Odo cut him off.</p><p>“I’m not buying it, Garak. If Dr. Bashir was getting married, Lt. Dax would surely know about it, and that means the whole station would know about it. From what I’ve observed, it’s impossible for any of her friends to have any sort of party or ceremony without her discovering it and then insinuating herself into the planning of it. And she doesn’t keep secrets like that very well.”</p><p>“You’re right of course, constable. In truth, the poor sweet doctor loves me desperately,” Garak pivoted. “But alas, I don’t love him back. No, my heart is promised to another, back home on Cardassia, where I can unfortunately never return.” He made sure to look wistfully out into the stars.</p><p>“How very tragic,” said Odo insincerely. Odo had long since returned to staring at the console, perhaps thinking that the display of how many lightyears they still had to travel was decreasing far too slowly.</p><p>“Indeed. The doctor gives me gifts to win my affections. He debates literature with me over lunch because he has learned about how Cardassians flirt. I indulge him as much as I can without crossing any lines that could jeopardize our friendship. I live in hope that, one day, a brilliant and beautiful young thing will cross his path, and he will forget all about his foolish crush on me before I have to break his heart.”</p><p>Odo scoffed. “No need to continue this melodramatic charade, Garak, I’m growing tired of it,” Odo grumbled, perhaps realizing his attempt to needle Garak had backfired into a terribly boring conversation he had lost all interest in because everything Garak said was so obviously false. Garak allowed himself a small triumphant smile, feeling he had won this round.</p><p>Then Odo added, “Besides... <em>you</em> are clearly the one that is desperately in love with <em>him</em>, and you are the one who is unsure that your affections are reciprocated. You are terrified that he’s just being polite to you. You’ve also accepted that you’ll never be together because dating him would mean giving up on the idea of ever returning home to Cardassia.”</p><p>Garak blinked away his surprise at how pointed Odo’s inferences were. <em>I really am getting careless, it seems.</em></p><p>“A fascinating theory, but I’m afraid you’re under the wrong impression. I do hope that you use a more evidence-based approach when you investigate criminal charges, constable,” he spat.</p><p>Odo bristled at the implication, but he wasn’t one to take such obvious bait. Garak knew the conversation was over.</p><p>*</p><p>Garak made his way to the back of the runabout again. He was exhausted from their first day of travel, and from the worry in the back of his mind that the Romulans would kill Tain before he could get there to help him. He was also annoyed with himself for letting Odo read him so thoroughly.</p><p>He opened his bag and sitting there on top of all of his things was the box of Delavian chocolates that Odo had teased him about so mercilessly. Odo didn’t even know the half of it. These were his own chocolates that he’d gifted to Julian a few days ago, only for Julian to give them right back to him. When he thought about it like that, it really seemed more like a slap in the face than the romantic gesture Odo had imagined. <em>A cunningly disguised rejection from an accomplished heartbreaker, perhaps</em>, he thought bitterly.</p><p>It hardly mattered why he had the chocolates now, though. They were his very favorite indulgence, and he desperately needed to indulge. He opened the box, expecting to see the usual set of nine chocolates in their usual places. He was puzzled to see that one of the slots had been crammed with a folded-up piece of paper.</p><p>He took it out and unfolded it.</p><p>
  <em>Sorry, Garak!! </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I had already eaten one of these by the time I heard you were leaving… But I figured most of a box of chocolates is better than no chocolates. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will make it up to you later by getting you as many Delavian chocolates as you want, I promise! Or if you still won’t tell me who your mysterious chocolate supplier is, I’ll repay you in I’danian spice puddings, or anything you desire. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Miss you already, please come back safely. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>All my love, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Julian</em>
</p><p>Garak's heart pounded in his aural cavities.</p><p>
  <em>“…All my love…” </em>
</p><p>He wasn’t even sure if it meant what he wanted it to mean, or if it was just what humans said to their close friends, but he was having substantial trouble controlling his feelings at the moment.</p><p>He had convinced himself that his feelings for Julian were not reciprocated, nor should they be...</p><p>
  <em>“…miss you already…”</em>
</p><p>When it had just been chocolates, he hadn’t read too much into it. But now he had to reckon with this new evidence.</p><p>
  <em>“…please come back safely…”</em>
</p><p>In retrospect everything he’d said to Odo felt a little too revealing, a little too close to the truth, a little too indicative of his own insecurities.</p><p>“…<em>anything you desire</em>…”</p><p>Heat pulsed through him as he wondered whether Julian had any idea exactly what it was he desired… He couldn’t wait to find out when he got back to the station.</p><p>He greedily stuffed a chocolate in his mouth and let hopeful joy permeate his whole body.</p><p>*</p><p>That night, he tossed and turned in the small uncomfortable bed in the back of the runabout, his eyes closed but unable to fall asleep. His mind was still racing. A trace of the somewhat bitter taste of the dark chocolate still lingered on his tongue. He tried to let the familiar comforting memory of the taste of the chocolate wash over him, but it didn’t help - he couldn’t stop imagining the taste of Julian’s mouth.</p><p>*</p><p>After a few fitful hours, he woke up, shivering, and pulled the blankets closer around him. The cold provided a sobering clarity. It didn’t matter what Julian felt for him or not. He couldn’t be with him. He had made too many other promises, and he intended to keep them. He had promised Mila he would help Tain. He had promised himself he would find some way to earn Tain’s forgiveness. He had promised to always serve Cardassia.</p><p>He felt heavy with the weight of all his promises.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The chapter titles are just sewing/tailoring words that feel vaguely relevant.</p><p>Thanks to Chakoteya.net for the episode transcripts! I tried to mostly write about the interstitial scenes, but sometimes I gotta add in bits of canon dialogue for context. (This chapter was especially heavy with copy&amp;pasted episode dialogue at the beginning, sorry about that...)</p><p>It’s supposed to be canon compliant with the episodes Improbable Cause/The Die Is Cast (although I’ve added plenty of scenes in between the canon ones), because I thought that would be a fun challenge! And also this way I didn’t need to come up with my own interesting, cohesive plot, I could just simply write brief summaries of canon scenes and use them as jumping off points for Garashir Emotions™ lol. </p><p>I plan to update twice a week, Saturdays and Wednesdays! It’s all written, but I still have to do a few final edits here and there. I know it's not perfect but I have been working on it for awhile, so I'm forcing myself to be brave and just start posting it. </p><p>Thanks for reading! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. gather</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Julian talks with Jadzia about how much he misses Garak. Jadzia offers advice and a word of warning.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Julian, you’re staring off into space again.” Her voice cut through the background noise of laughter and the dabo wheel spinning. They were seated at the bar at Quark’s.</p><p>“Sorry, Jadzia. I just hope he’s okay.” Replying seemed to take a monumental effort of concentration. Maybe he was more drunk than he’d thought. Or just more distracted.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Garak, obviously. We haven’t heard anything from him or Odo yet, and Garak wouldn’t even tell anyone where they were going…” Suddenly he started talking faster and faster until all his words stumbled out of his mouth together. “And… I selfishly want him to get back from his mission soon because I might have done something really silly that he definitely didn’t have time to process before he left.”</p><p>“What did you do?”</p><p>“I gave him some chocolates as he was getting on the runabout. Oh, and I wrote him a note that was supposed to be romantic, but I’m not sure if I was obvious enough? Are chocolates even seen as romantic on Cardassia? When is he going to figure out that I like him??”</p><p>“Hmm, I have no idea. But with Garak you probably have to be direct, since there’s no way he’s going to be.”</p><p>Julian slumped. “Well, that won’t work. Asking Garak anything directly is a sure way to get the most evasive, unhelpful answer possible.”</p><p>“Yeah… I really don’t know what you see in him. Sorry, Julian, I know how into him you are, but I just… don’t trust him. He literally just blew up his own shop for the attention.”</p><p>He looked pained. “I know. Believe me, I really wish he had just asked someone for help. But that was not a thing did just for the hell of it, Jadzia! He felt desperate and cornered and afraid for his own life! And he was very careful to make sure no one else got hurt.”</p><p>She shook her head, exasperated. “Honestly I’m most worried about him hurting <em>you</em>. Emotionally. I know this might be hard to hear, but - hey, Julian, listen to me for a second…” He had been trying to avoid her eyes, but at this she finally caught his gaze and held it. “He’s an exiled spy from a hostile state. He might turn you down even if he’s totally attracted to you, maybe for his own protection or maybe for yours. It’s possible that he could view a relationship as a physical risk, or a potential information leak, or an obstacle in the path of his service to the Cardassian Union. I’m just saying, be prepared, okay?”</p><p>He slouched down even further until his face was level with his glass. He found himself thinking it was probably closer to half-empty than half-full. “I didn’t even think about all that… Usually it’s not so… complicated and convoluted.”</p><p>She nearly spat out her drink. “Well, Garak is a very poor choice if you wanted uncomplicated!” she laughed. “I wouldn’t put up with all of his bullshit, personally.”</p><p>He stopped looking pathetically into his glass and turned to glare at her. “Well good, then I don’t need to worry you’ll try to steal him away from me.”</p><p>“I would never! Me? Seduce someone you were interested in? That would go completely against the bro code!” She was the very picture of innocence, except for the mischievous twinkle in her eyes. It was infuriating enough to break him out of his sulking. He made an effort to sit up so he could confront his friend properly.</p><p>“No no no no, hold on… Jadzia, you shamelessly steal the people I’m pursuing ALL THE TIME! Don’t you remember that party where we were both after Vilix’pran’s cousin? I was clearly making a move on them, but you kept interfering and they ended up leaving with you.”</p><p>“Well that was different!” she explained. “Since we both noticed them at the same time, we couldn’t establish which of us had the most valid claim to dibs on flirting with them… and in that type of situation it becomes a free-for-all, no-holds-barred, may-the-best-entity-win scenario. And I did!” She stuck out her tongue teasingly.</p><p>“Oh, real mature for a 300-year-old,” he laughed.</p><p>“As immature as you think I am, don’t worry, I would never dream of getting in the way of True Love!” She sipped her raktajino, smiling slyly.</p><p>“What do you mean???” he spluttered.</p><p>“Come on, Julian. You and I both know that what you want from him isn’t just some fling with a hot alien you met at a party… You’ve been friends with him for awhile now, and you’ve clearly been head over heels in love with him for awhile too. Maybe ever since you helped turn off that implant in his head.”</p><p>He didn’t respond, so she went on, “Just… please be careful and try not to let your heart get broken too badly if it doesn’t work out.” She patted his arm reassuringly, then got up and left the bar.</p><p>“That’s rather up to him at this point,” Julian sighed to himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p><p>I think this was my favorite scene to write... Jadzia is just so fun to write, and I amused myself with the idea of Jadzia &amp; Julian being bffs who keep accidentally trying to bang the same weird aliens at parties due to both being chaotic bi alienfuckers</p><p>Next up: Garak tries to pretend that joining Tain was a good decision, actually</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. pinned</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Garak agrees to join Tain. He initially has mixed feelings about his exile being over, but fortunately he is able to completely 100% bottle up those problematic feelings and throw them neatly out of the nearest airlock, never to be seen again, yep, he is definitely fine now...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Garak first saw Tain on the Romulan warbird, he had been gratified to see Tain was not a prisoner, that he was safe. But the first thing Tain had done was to thank him for showing up so he wouldn't have to send someone else to kill him, and all the complicated feelings came rushing back. Tain had wasted no time in accusing him once again of betrayal, and Garak knew he had sounded like a desperate fool when he’d tried to defend himself.</p><p>And then, Tain had unexpectedly offered him a chance at returning home. How could he turn that down? To see Cardassia again, to feel its warmth, to smell its greenery, to serve its people… oh, he would do anything!</p><p>But... something must be wrong with him. When he had dreamed of this day, he’d imagined feeling only relief. Instead, he felt a renewed pressure to live up to everyone’s expectations.</p><p>Tain’s judgment and lack of forgiveness was one of the most pressing weights on him. He was still in disbelief that Tain was even giving him another chance, half expecting him to reverse his decision at any moment. He felt he was balancing on a knife’s edge. He couldn’t make even the slightest mistake now, or he would be cast aside again. Right now he needed to stay fully alert, and unfortunately right now he was the most distracted he had been in a long time, all because of the contents of a small silver box.</p><p>He tried to push away all thoughts of Julian and his note. He couldn’t deny that the complete absence of Julian in his new future left him feeling hollow and empty. He would never see Julian again, never talk to him. Julian, his dear doctor, who had so much hope for him, and thought the best of him even though he didn’t deserve it. Julian would be crushed when he learned that Garak wasn’t coming back. He would possibly be even more crushed to learn that Garak was still his same old self, still willing to do Cardassia’s dirty work.</p><p>He found himself wishing Julian hadn’t made a move at such an inconvenient time. No, what he really wished was that he’d never allowed himself to get so close to Julian. His conflicted feelings on the matter were only further proof that sentiment is the greatest weakness of all. It was a <em>blessing</em> that Julian hadn’t been so daring until now, because clearly Garak, weak as he was, wouldn’t have been able to resist. And he couldn’t afford such a romantic entanglement if he expected to be welcomed back into the Obsidian Order.</p><p>He opened the silver box, and took out the folded piece of paper. He reread it, and let it hurt him all over again with its false hopes. He couldn’t allow Tain or the Romulans stumble across this blatant evidence of his weakness. He should destroy it, he knew that. Instead, he folded it up carefully and placed it in a pocket inside his tunic so that he’d be able to feel it against his chest and be sure his secret was safe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p><p>Another short one, next one is longer!</p><p>Next up: Julian hangs out with the O’Briens!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. floral</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Julian, still missing Garak, seeks out advice from Keiko about flowers. Molly helps too! Miles also tries his best to be a good friend (but it's not really good enough).</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The door slid back. “Hi, Julian!” Keiko greeted him. Molly came over to the door too, wrapping her arms around her mother’s knee and peering up at Julian.</p><p>“Hi, Keiko! Oh, hello, Molly! Is Miles in?”</p><p>She shook her head. “Miles said to tell you he’s still tied up with some emergency repairs, and he’s not sure when he’ll be done. But come on in! You can wait for him here.”</p><p>Julian sat on the couch, and Keiko and Molly returned to what they had been doing before Julian showed up. He let his eyes roam around the room, noticing all the flowers and plants. <em>Jadzia did say I need to be direct with Garak, I wonder...</em></p><p>“Keiko, which flowers are considered romantic to give to someone?”</p><p>“It depends... On Earth, roses, tulips, and Risian moonflowers have some of the strongest romantic connotations.”</p><p>“What about… on Cardassia?” He was worried Miles would not approve of his crush when he inevitably found out, but he also knew he needed to risk being more specific in order to get any useful advice from Keiko.</p><p>“Oooooh, are you gonna give flowers to Mr. Garak?!” Molly squealed excitedly, and bounded over, eager to hear his answer. <em>Garak would be so proud of her aptitude for surveillance and interrogation</em>, he thought, amused. A moment ago she had been quietly playing with blocks on the other side of the room, and he hadn’t given her presence a second thought. Now he was being stared up at by the kindest, most adorable, most loving eyes imaginable, and of course he was going to confess.</p><p>“That’s exactly right, Molly,” Julian said, grinning.</p><p>Keiko smiled proudly at her sharp daughter. “Well, I don’t know which flowers are considered romantic on Cardassia but I do know that Edosian orchids are Garak’s favorite.”</p><p>“Mommy, what do Edoseen orchids look like??” she said, tripping slightly over the new words.</p><p>Keiko picked up a PADD and did a quick search to pull up an image, then handed it to Molly. She took it, eyes wide with awe, then scampered off, clearly on a mission.</p><p>Keiko said, “You know he used to be a gardener right?”</p><p>“Yes! That’s why I wanted your expert opinion to help me pick out the right flowers for him.”</p><p>“Well I’m thinking that because he was a gardener, Garak might prefer a living plant he could tend to rather than a bouquet. But I don’t think Edosian orchids can grow on a space station, otherwise I am sure Garak would certainly have some already...”</p><p>“Ah, okay…” He remembered something he’d just read about in Garak’s latest pick for their informal cross-cultural book club. “Hmm... What do you know about <em>tskzaj</em>?”</p><p>“Pardon?”</p><p>“Oh, um, sorry, I guess my Kardasi isn’t good enough to get past the Universal Translator... I think the common name is Regnar’s Claw cactus.”</p><p>“Oh! Yes, I’ve heard of that.”</p><p>“Would that be something he could keep in his quarters? Does it have flowers?”</p><p>“Yes, they can definitely thrive here with proper care! As succulentoids, they are hardy to quite a range of conditions, and they do have beautiful flowers when they are in bloom! But I’m not at all familiar with the romantic symbolism of it...”</p><p>“Well, it was mentioned a few times in <em>The Grains of Endless Sand</em>. One of the protagonists had a garden where she would grow <em>tskzaj</em> in intricate patterns for her wife.”</p><p>Garak had insisted it was one of the most romantic repetitive epics in Cardassian literature, but to Julian it had read like an anthology of natural disaster stories with heavy-handed overtones that each catastrophe was actually the direct result of a lack of loyalty to the state. For example, the couple with the <em>tskzaj</em> garden lived in a city whose inhabitants were consuming far more resources than they were producing. Then, as a result of decades of unsustainable agricultural practices in the area, a vicious sandstorm buried the entire city under a meter or two of sand overnight, including the young couple’s home and garden. They escaped from their house but were forced to abandon all of their belongings, their overindulgences, and their carefree existence, and instead live out long lives of hard manual labor in a city far away.</p><p>Julian didn’t see what was so particularly romantic about it. It was more tragic than romantic, seeing a loving young couple endure a lifetime of suffering after everything had been taken from them. He imagined Garak would probably try to feed him some propaganda bullshit like, “My dear doctor, it shows that the most truly romantic thing you can do is sacrifice your own happiness for the good of the state.” Or maybe Garak would say something misguided like, “How beautiful it is that throughout their rewarding lives spent providing labor for the state, the memories of their days of idyllic young love are still perfectly preserved under the sand, buried deep but still there.”</p><p>Julian felt a fresh wave of loneliness, and found himself wishing that he could actually hear Garak’s terrible literary interpretations and argue with him properly about them. The two of them would be discussing <em>The Grains of Endless Sand</em> over lunch tomorrow, if not for the fact that Garak was still missing in action, presumed captured by the Romulans...</p><p>“That sounds perfect, then!” Keiko said, and Julian blinked away the tears that were welling up as he’d been lost in thought. “After all, even if it’s not culturally significant, it is likely personally significant to him. He chose to share that book with you after all, so he’ll know exactly what you’re thinking of when you give it to him.”</p><p>“Thanks, Keiko!” He smiled gratefully and tried his best to keep the sadness from his eyes. “Oh, and would you happen to know how to get ahold of a Regnar’s Claw cactus specimen I could give him?”</p><p>Keiko opened her mouth to respond, but just then Molly scampered back into the room holding a piece of paper out in front of her.</p><p>“Julian! I drew this for you!!!” She handed him a crayon drawing. It wasn’t immediately clear what everything was, but he thought he recognized the figures at least. His face lit up.</p><p>“Oh wow, thanks, Molly! Is that me?” he asked, pointing to the figure wearing mostly black with teal shoulders.</p><p>“Yeah!”</p><p>“And is that Mr. Garak?” he asked pointing to the figure with a grey face, black hair, and a colorful outfit.</p><p>“Yeah!!! You’re holding hands!”</p><p>“Yes I can see that,” he said, smiling at where the scribbles of grey and light brown overlapped. “And… what is this over here?” There was a rectangle with a triangle on top, containing smaller rows of rectangles. Green lines ran vertically from the bottom of the paper up to the second row of rectangles and each one was capped with a bulbous purple shape.</p><p>“These are Edoseen orchids in a garden in front of the house that you’re gonna live in with Mr. Garak!”</p><p>“This is truly amazing, Molly, thank you!”</p><p>In the drawing, Garak and Julian were both taller than the house, and the orchids had grown all the way up past the second floor, but it was absolutely perfect. The color of Molly’s rendition of “Edoseen” orchids reminded him of the flowers that had been in vases on the Replimat table on the day that he and Garak had first met.</p><p>He smiled and found himself blinking back tears again, but happier ones. He ached for a future where he and Garak walked hand-in-hand with a cartoony crayon heart floating over their heads. A future where they lived together, surrounded by flowers...</p><p>At seeing Julian’s overjoyed reaction, Keiko hugged her daughter and praised how thoughtful she had been. Keiko grabbed two cups of tea from the replicator, and brought them over to the couch, where they continued to chat about floral symbolism and the challenges of importing plants from Cardassia while Molly lay on the floor nearby, constructing structures out of her magnetic blocks that looked suspiciously like the house she had drawn for Julian and Garak.</p><p>*</p><p>When Miles got home a short while later, he apologized that he was too exhausted from that day’s hard battle with the miscalibrated sensor arrays and malfunctioning auxiliary life support to keep his darts plans with Julian. Julian understood and asked if he’d be interested in meeting up for lunch tomorrow instead, since tomorrow was one of the days he usually had lunch with Garak and he didn’t want to eat alone.</p><p>“Sure, sounds good,” Miles said idly.</p><p>“Great! 1230 in the Replimat then!”</p><p>Miles apologized again that he’d had to wait around so long, and Julian said not to worry about it, as it had been lovely to spend time with Keiko and Molly.</p><p>“Oh, that’s nice! So what did you talk about?” Miles asked absently, smiling gratefully at his wife and daughter for entertaining his friend.</p><p>Julian had been dreading the inevitable moment when he would have to discuss his feelings for Garak with Miles, but now was probably the time. He swallowed his nervousness and forged ahead. “Well, Keiko helped me figure out what kind of flower—or I guess, cactus?—I should get as a present for Garak once he gets back to the station, because I want him to know how much I like him,” he said, doing his best to project nonchalance and act like it wasn't mortifying to admit his feelings for Garak to Miles. “And look what Molly drew for me!” It was a pretty passive-aggressive move, but he wanted Miles’ acceptance and he wasn’t above using his family against him.</p><p>“Oh... so, you and... you want to... Garak...? Huh...” Miles’ eyes were wide, processing this new information as though he’d just received an alert that an unstoppable self-destruct sequence had just started on the station. He handed the drawing back to Julian. “But he’s a...”—Keiko looked at him sharply and he settled on, “—he’s <em>not human</em>.”</p><p>A laugh erupted from Julian before he could suppress it. He knew all the derogatory words for “Cardassian” that Miles had just bitten back in the presence of his family, and nothing was funny about that, but, really... accusing of Garak of being unsuitable for him because he was “not human” was just too ridiculous to go unmentioned. “Miles, I guess you haven’t noticed, but that’s hardly a problem for me. I’ve never in my whole life dated a human...” <em>Maybe because I never felt much like one myself,</em> he thought, less humorously.</p><p>Miles looked at him in renewed alarm, and Julian could nearly see the plasma coils and phase inverters firing in his brain as he tried to verify this. Julian found he was rather enjoying subjecting his friend to this well-deserved minor torment. After a conspicuously long pause Miles said, “But... what about your ex-fiancée? On Earth?”</p><p>“Oh, did I never show you a picture of Palis? Tholians make quite lovely ballerinas.”</p><p>Miles’ eyes bulged out even further as he was forced to recontextualize Julian’s previous descriptions of her.</p><p>Julian rolled his eyes. As amusing as it was to watch him squirm... “Miles, I know you don’t trust Garak because he’s Cardassian—”</p><p>“And probably a dangerous spy!” he interjected, in defense of his reaction.</p><p>“—<em>and</em> probably dangerous, but... as ill-advised as it is, I think I kind of maybe love him...” His own words surprised him so much that he lost his train of thought for a second, dizzy from his inadvertent admission. “And... and you’re just going to have to accept that,” he concluded lamely.</p><p>“Of course, Julian, I didn’t mean to... I didn’t realize... Sorry. It was thoughtless of me.” Miles’ face was completely red now, and he did look truly sorry.</p><p>Julian sighed. “I know, Miles. It’s okay. See you tomorrow?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>He said his goodbyes. As he left, Keiko was still glaring daggers at Miles, which Julian appreciated immensely.</p><p>Julian held Molly’s drawing like it was the most precious piece of art in the world. As he took the turbolift back to his own quarters he wondered if it would be silly to replicate a frame for it.</p><p>He left his quarters again almost immediately after setting the drawing down on his table. He had to see a Ferengi about a cactus.</p><p>*</p><p>Julian had hoped that having someone to talk to at lunch would help take his mind off of worrying about Garak, but Miles didn’t have much to say. He didn’t engage at all with Julian’s critique of modern theatre, or any of the other topics Julian had already tried to bring up. Julian knew it was a pale imitation of his lunches with the tailor, and it made him long for Garak’s return even more than if he’d just stayed in his office and eaten alone.</p><p>When Miles was suddenly called away to Ops, and Julian had to return to his office to finish his food, he found he was wrong. He missed Garak just as much from here.</p><p>*</p><p>Later that afternoon, Commander Sisko called all the senior officers into the Wardroom and showed them Tain’s broadcast about his plan to preemptively destroy the Founders. Julian had been surprised to see Tain, retired head of the Obsidian Order. He wondered what this meant for Garak.</p><p>When the call from Admiral Toddman had ended and Commander Sisko had announced that the Defiant was going into the Gamma Quadrant to try to find Odo despite the Admiral’s orders, Julian didn’t even need to think about whether or not to volunteer for the unauthorized mission. Of course he would go. Garak was in danger.</p><p>Just a week ago, Garak had been lying on the ground in the debris of his shop. The terror of not knowing whether Garak was okay or not had been heart-wrenching even just for those few seconds it had taken Julian to cross the Promenade and step into the remains of his shop. Now a similar terror had been drawn out for a week, and he couldn’t just wait around anymore. A year ago, he had watched Garak’s life slipping away when the implant had malfunctioned. And then a few months later Garak had died in his arms in the Founders’ simulation. He couldn’t let anything like that happen ever again. He had to be there on the Defiant in case Garak needed him.</p><p>He rushed back to his quarters to pack. On the way out, he patted Kukalaka fondly on the head, then spotted Molly’s illustration right next to his oldest fuzziest friend. He touched the drawing and spent a moment attempting to wish this magical scene into existence, before slinging his bag over his shoulder and rushing off to Landing Pad C.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We are all just Molly O’Brien tbh. </p><p>A regnar is a type of Cardassian desert lizard in A Stitch in Time, by Andrew Robinson. As for the cactus, "tskzaj" is just “bashir” rot-18 lol.</p><p>Anyways, please accept my headcanon that Julian “alienfucker” Bashir has never and will never date a human being. I don't have strong headcanons about Palis, I just picked Tholian bc I thought it would make Miles.exe stop working. Please tell me in the comments what alien species you think it would be most amusing/baffling for Palis to be, lol!</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p><p>Next up: Tain is the Worst Dad!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. pressing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tain tests Garak’s loyalty. Garak is determined to prove himself, no matter the cost.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter warning: torture (real and imagined)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garak and Tain sat in the Warbird ready room, drinking orange Romulan alcohol that tasted like the exact opposite of kanar and chatting about old enemies—the closest thing either of them had to old friends.</p><p>“When this mission is completed,” Tain said, “you'll be in a position to eliminate anyone you want.”</p><p>“I'll make up a list and give it to Mila.”</p><p>“Perhaps you'd better give it to me personally. Mila may not be around much longer. She knows a great deal about me. Too much for her own good.”</p><p>Garak tried not to show his fear and shock at Tain’s threat. “Still, it would be a shame to have her killed. She's proven that she can be trusted on numerous occasions, and you'd be hard put to find a better housekeeper.” He kept his voice level, but he knew as the words left his mouth that his feigned detachment wasn’t fooling anyone. It made him feel sick to even think of the possibility of his mother being killed so needlessly.</p><p>He was half sure Tain had only said it as a test of loyalty, to see how compromised by sentiment Garak really was. If so, he knew he had failed miserably.</p><p>“Is this a request I hear?” Tain said, confirming how transparent Garak’s attempt to beg for her life had been. He winced internally as he felt his prospects of returning home to Cardassia slipping away like sand through his fingers.</p><p>“Not at all. Just an observation,” he lied, though he knew the damage was already done. He couldn’t afford to keep messing up like this. He needed Tain to trust him. He needed to convince Tain he was still the perfect Obsidian Order operative. Ruthless. Devoid of emotional connections. Loyal only to Tain and, by extension, to Cardassia.</p><p>“No reason to pretend, Garak. You're fond of Mila. You don't want her hurt, right?”</p><p>“If you're looking for an excuse to spare the life of your own housekeeper, you don't need me to provide you with one. You can do it out of the kindness of your heart,” he equivocated.</p><p>Garak didn’t know why he kept denying the undeniable (and, honestly, rather unremarkable) fact that he cared about his own mother, but he was sure that was the response Tain expected.</p><p>“Mila always believed you were innocent of betraying Cardassia, and me,” Tain said, interrupting Garak’s spiraling thoughts.</p><p>“I was.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Garak fully understood Tain’s unspoken implications. By threatening to kill the only person who still believed that Garak deserved to be on Cardassia, Tain was pointing out just how tenuous his return from exile would be. Tain was saying he would be allowed no allies, and he would not ever be forgiven. He would have to prove his loyalty over and over every day, or else he would readily be disposed of again. Garak’s mouth felt dry and he took another sip of the pungent and unpleasant Romulan drink.</p><p>As he lowered the glass, the fabric of his tunic shifted, and for a moment he could feel one of the folded edges of Julian’s note brushing against the scales on his chest. In a flash of panic, he suddenly wondered if Tain hadn’t only been talking about Mila, but also about anyone and everyone that Garak cared about. <em>Has Tain realized just how fond I am of Julian?</em> His blood chilled. <em>Will I be forced to pretend not to care whether Julian lives or dies? Is Tain going to have Julian eliminated, just to make sure all of my connections are well and truly severed?</em> He couldn’t bear to think about it.</p><p>Garak remembered with increasing panic that even though Tain likely had no idea about the incriminating love letter hidden in his pocket, Julian had visited Tain at the Arawath colony in order to save his life. It would have been obvious that Garak was the one to send Julian there, implying a significant amount of trust between them. Garak’s willingness to divulge Tain’s secrets to this Federation doctor was indeed damning evidence that he had been emotionally compromised. So there could be no doubt about it, Julian was also in danger.</p><p>It was of the utmost urgency for Garak to try to convince Tain that he had simply been taking advantage of Julian’s naive kindness. But convincing him would surely require more careful planning than his everyday casual lies, because the stakes were impossibly high and Tain was far more perceptive than even Odo. The best thing he could do for now was to try to keep Tain happy, and give Tain no more reasons to doubt him.</p><p>A Romulan entered, and Tain greeted him as Colonel Lovok, then introduced Garak.</p><p>When Lovok asked sneeringly what Garak’s role would be, Tain replied, “He will do whatever I require of him.”</p><p>And it was true. He would. Willingly, eagerly, and without delay. He had to. For his own sake, and for Julian’s.</p><p>It wasn’t long before he was given his next test. Tain instructed him to interrogate Odo for information on the Founders and their home planet. His heart sank. It was an impossible task. Garak felt the walls pressing in around him as he worried about what Tain would do to Julian and Mila if he failed in his duty.</p><p>*</p><p>Odo had not been forthcoming during their first session. Garak was unsurprised. He did not believe Odo had withheld anything significant from his official report.</p><p>But despite his lack of faith in his own—or indeed, in <em>anyone’s</em>—ability to get any new information out of Odo, Garak demanded to remain his interrogator. He had to prove his loyalty and his competency to Tain. And he had to keep Odo out of the Tal Shiar’s hands. He didn’t think they would be inclined to show Odo any mercy even if he did by some miracle comply.</p><p>He turned on the quantum stasis field generator that would prevent Odo from shapeshifting.</p><p>He found himself hoping Odo would tell him something, even if it turned out to be some minor irrelevant detail, just so he could switch off the device before he got too badly hurt. He was genuinely worried about what might happen to Odo if he refused to offer any information. Conflictingly, another part of Garak, the part that still wanted to impress Tain, was worried that his own renowned capacity for violence might falter in the face of a stubborn Odo. He hoped Odo would do the sensible thing and give him some information before Garak had to discover how his own limits may or may not have changed.</p><p>Garak increasingly felt like he was trying to wear a favorite old outfit that no longer fit the way it used to. It was becoming harder to deny how unflattering this ensemble looked on him now, and how tightly it fit around his throat. But he had no other options left.</p><p>*</p><p>After many harrowing hours, Odo finally confessed his deep desire to go home to be with the Founders, and Garak shut off the device that had been keeping him from transforming. Garak felt so nauseous that he had to sit down and hold his head in his hands. He was angry with himself, angry with how ridiculous it was that he couldn’t stand to see Odo in pain. He had begged him to say something, anything, even tell him a lie, so that he could justify ending the torture. It didn’t make any sense why Garak felt sick, when Odo had been the one subjected to pain.</p><p>And what Odo had finally said… that was painful too. He knew the feeling far too well of wanting desperately to go home despite every way in which that home has betrayed you, and despite every way in which you just don’t belong there. It was almost funny how similar it was to Garak’s own situation, and yet different too, because Odo refused to act on his desire to end his own exile. In a way he supposed Odo’s relationship with his homeworld was perhaps more similar to how Garak felt about Deep Space Nine—a place where he was surrounded by enemies and constant reminders of his own failures, and yet a place where he had found a small but irreplaceable sense of belonging that he would miss dearly now that he could no longer return. Could no longer belong to his dear doctor.</p><p>He tentatively tried opening his eyes but the first thing he saw was the stasis device in front of him and his stomach churned again. He supposed he understood a bit of Odo’s reluctance to return home, too. If—no, <em>when</em>—Garak returned to Cardassia, how many more times would he have to endure this? How many more times would he be forced to make others suffer, for the greater good or simply for Tain’s pleasure? Right now, returning home did not feel like triumph, it felt like dread. It felt sickening. At the moment he wanted nothing more than to sit across from Julian in the Replimat, gaze into his kind passionate eyes, reach out to touch his arm...</p><p>Unbidden, the daydream shifted. They were not in the Replimat but in the all-too-familiar image of a standard Obsidian Order interrogation chamber. Garak was seated, and Julian was strapped into the chair across from him, looking at him in horror and fear and disgust. Garak’s nausea only intensified when he realized that his dear doctor must have been restrained and bloodied by his own hands. One of the walls was a two-way mirror, and though he saw only his own reflection, he knew Tain was just on the other side, the puppetmaster pulling his strings, and he was powerless to stop it. Garak stood over Julian now, clinically pressing a cold metal device against his exposed flesh, triggering electrical shocks until Julian screamed in pain. He knew what he was picturing wasn’t real, it couldn’t be, he would never hurt Julian... But as much as he tried to stop the images from forming in his mind, he couldn’t. All he could do was hope for this nightmarish vision to end, and wait for his nausea to pass.</p><p>*</p><p>When Garak felt like he could move without retching, he made his way slowly and carefully back to the quarters he’d been assigned.</p><p>He rifled through his things and found the small silver box of chocolates. He’d barely eaten all day and he still wasn’t exactly hungry, but the rotten lingering taste of that Romulan anti-kanar on his breath kept reminding him of his earlier conversation with Tain.</p><p>He ate one chocolate, letting it melt on his tongue, and when it was gone he immediately had another.</p><p>Garak didn’t know what to do. He had not been able to find a way to prove either his or Odo’s usefulness. He had no leverage to convince Tain not to have his loved ones killed.</p><p>He bit viciously into the next chocolate. These were all he had left, and he wanted to destroy them. He started to cry.</p><p>He should never have let Julian get so close to him. Julian didn’t deserve to die for Garak’s mistakes. The image of his own face in the mirror in the interrogation room flashed in his mind again, and he shuddered. He realized that it hardly mattered whether Tain was behind the order or not, if Julian got hurt then Garak would bear full responsibility for it. Garak had put Julian in danger by sending him to Tain, and, even before that, he’d put him in danger just by caring about him. He had been such a naïve fool to think there wouldn’t be consequences. After all, the last time Tain had discovered that Garak was in love, Garak had been exiled.</p><p>He kept eating the chocolates, unable to savor them, until the box was finally completely empty. His stomach was still churning, but at least now he could try to convince himself he was just sick from too much sugar, rather than from weaknesses like remorse or fear.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Earning that angst tag, I hope... </p><p>This chapter was the trickiest for me to write. I spent forever editing it and I still don't feel like I quite did Garak and Tain justice.  </p><p>I quite like the idea presented in A Stitch in Time by Andrew Robinson that the final straw leading to Garak’s exile was Tain finding out about Garak’s love affair, so I’m using that detail.</p><p>Also, in case it wasn’t obvious all the dialogue in this chapter is from The Die Is Cast.</p><p>And thanks for reading! To everyone who has commented, you’ve made me unimaginably happy, I feel so grateful and so loved! &lt;3</p><p>Next up: Odo and Garak escape on the runabout! (It's a pretty short chapter.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. unravel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Odo and Garak escape on the runabout after the joint Obsidian Order/Tal Shiar plan to destroy the Founders fails.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tain’s plan to destroy the Founders’ homeworld had failed. It had been a trap from the start. Odo had knocked Garak out in order to save him from a doomed ship, and now the two of them were on a runabout and Tain was gone.</p><p>With the loss of Tain, Garak’s renewed hope of returning to Cardassia had been shattered, somehow even more definitively than when he’d been permanently exiled. He had never expected to outlive Tain. He had begged Tain to come with them, but—stubborn to the bitter end—Tain hadn’t budged. Regardless of the fact that he’d been the one to banish him in the first place, Tain had been the only person with enough sway to erase his exile status.</p><p><em>I will never return home now</em>. He didn’t understand how it was possible for one’s heart to break so many times over. Hadn’t his heart already felt all the pain it could possibly handle? Shouldn’t it be hardened and cold and desensitized by now?</p><p><em>At least I won’t have to choose between Cardassia and Julian now</em>. It was such a selfish thought and so un-Cardassian that he felt ashamed for even thinking it. But another quieter part of him argued back that he might as well indulge in whatever small comforts were still available to him.</p><p><em>At least Julian will be safe from Tain now.</em> That definitely comforted him. He could still feel the folded piece of paper tucked away in its secret pocket with every rise and fall of his chest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter is probably way too short, but I wanted to separate it out from previous one since there was a timeskip and a change of setting. It’s just a short lil interlude before the massive final chapter, which will go up on Saturday!</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p><p>Next up: The stunning conclusion! Julian and Garak talk a lot and then FINALLY kiss (and more...)!!! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. bespoke</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The chapter you’ve been waiting for! Julian and Garak are finally reunited!!! They have a lot to discuss...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry not sorry that the POV is a mess... Much like the single brain cell that these two have to share, the POV in this chapter just chaotically fluctuates between Garak and Bashir depending on who is having a Thought or a Feeling at any given moment, lol</p><p>Chapter warnings: This is the one with the smut, although I kept it very vague bc I’m a coward!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Julian was there to meet Garak and Odo when Miles beamed them onto the Defiant.</p><p>“Oh, that looks painful,” Julian said as he inspected Garak’s Odo-inflicted injury, and scanned him with a tricorder.</p><p>“It is. But it did save my life.”</p><p>The ship shook as Jem’hadar phasers hit the Defiant’s shields. Garak stumbled and Julian braced him with a hand on his shoulder. Julian wanted desperately to pull him into a hug, but Garak didn’t seem to want to look at him, so he pulled his hand away quickly once the attack subsided.</p><p>After stopping by the bridge briefly for Julian to take care of the bridge crew’s bumps and bruises, Garak allowed himself to be led to the infirmary by Julian. The Jem’hadar attacks were growing less and less frequent as they retreated further from Dominion space, but Julian walked close to Garak in case the ship started shaking again and he needed to catch him.</p><p>When they reached the infirmary, Garak stubbornly remained standing as Julian started administering his treatment. It was really a very minor injury and Garak didn’t like being on that biobed any more than was necessary.</p><p>Finally, Julian set down the dermal regenerator, ran the tricorder over him, and seemed satisfied with the results. “All set! Your eye ridge may still feel a little tender for a day or so but there was no lasting damage done.”</p><p>“Thank you, Doctor.” He gingerly touched the fading bruise on his eye ridge and was pleased to find that the pain was now nothing more than a twinge. Like a memory of pain, rather than something real. “You are truly talented with a dermal regenerator.”</p><p>Julian smiled fondly. Garak loved that smile. It brought him so much joy. If he couldn’t devote himself to serving Cardassia, then devoting himself instead to the cause of making Julian smile seemed a very appealing alternative.<em> Careful... Stop deluding yourself, Elim. </em>He swallowed. He needed to talk to him.</p><p>“Garak, I’m so glad you’re back.”</p><p>Garak didn’t know what to say. He was unimaginably glad to see Julian, and he was glad he wouldn’t have to worry about Tain controlling him anymore, but he couldn’t say he was glad to be back in exile.</p><p>“Did you get my note?” Julian asked.</p><p>“Yes,” Garak said, putting on his polite but distant customer service voice. “It was ever so kind of you to offer to repay me for the missing chocolate but there is no need. All is forgiven.”</p><p>“Garak...” he sighed, resigning himself to the fact that this wasn’t going to be easy. <em>Be direct, Julian.</em> “Garak, I wrote that note because I wanted you to know that I care about you, and want to be with you romantically, not because I thought you’d actually be annoyed at me for eating a chocolate. And... I’d kind of like to know, do you have feelings for me?”</p><p>“My dear doctor…” Garak began, meeting his eyes, heart pounding.</p><p>“Yes?” he said breathlessly.</p><p>“I... I almost didn’t come back,” he said, his voice now trembling more than he liked. It wasn’t an answer to Julian’s question, and it wasn’t what he’d wanted or expected to say, but he supposed he needed to say it.</p><p>“I know, I was so scared when we saw how much damage the Romulan and Cardassian ships were taking… But you’re here now, it’s okay—” he said softly, moving to touch Garak’s arm. Garak pulled away, reluctantly.</p><p>“No, I mean that if Tain hadn’t been deceived by the Changeling, if his plan had worked, I would be heading back to Cardassia with him right now. My exile would be over. I would return to my previous profession.”</p><p>Julian didn’t say anything, but Garak could see all of the questions forming behind his eyes. <em>Wasn’t Tain the one who exiled you? You would really go back to the Obsidian Order, even knowing the types of horrible things you’d be expected to do? </em>Or maybe he just saw the reflection of all the questions he’d been asking himself.</p><p>“And yes, I received your message before I made that choice. You have to understand, returning home is what I’ve dreamt of for so long, so of course I agreed to join Tain... I needed to feel useful again. I couldn’t let your feelings, or even <em>my</em> feelings...” He trailed off, worrying he had said too much and not enough.</p><p>Julian instinctively reached out to comfort him again, but then remembered Garak’s previous reaction and changed direction to clutch at his own arm instead. “I... understand, Garak.”</p><p>“I was going to leave you! Never see you again! Even though I knew how much you cared about me! Why aren’t you angry at me?”</p><p>He sighed again. “Believe me, I would have been heartbroken to never see you again, but fortunately for me that isn’t what happened. I know how hard your exile has been, so, as much as I would miss you if you left, I could never begrudge you for wanting to return to Cardassia. And it wouldn’t have to be goodbye, you know, maybe I could have visited you there...”</p><p>Garak wasn’t sure if anyone else had ever cared about what he wanted, without trying to use him, or get something from him, or keep him under their control. He was blindsided and rocked to his core by Julian’s unconditional kindness.</p><p>“I guess what’s a bit harder to understand is... Well, I do wish that you hadn’t felt desperate enough to get home that you were willing to return to working for Tain.”</p><p><em>Desperate.</em> He was so pitiful that Julian thought of him as <em>desperate</em>. The worst part was that he wasn’t even wrong.</p><p>“It was merely practical.”</p><p>“Hmm.” Julian was still concerned. “Well, maybe we can work on finding a different way for you to get your exile rescinded so you’ll be welcome on Cardassia again?”</p><p>“Julian, I appreciate it, truly, but I think it’s best if I disabuse myself of such wild unattainable fantasies.”</p><p>“All right... Then what about more realistic fantasies? You still haven’t told me if you want to be with me...”</p><p>“My dear doc— Julian.” The name felt like Delavian chocolate on his tongue, soft and sweet and perfect and altogether too delicious. The way Julian’s breath hitched at the sound of it was delicious too. <em>Don’t think about that.</em> “What I <em>want</em> hardly matters.”</p><p>
  <em>What I want doesn’t <strong>make sense</strong>. I want to kiss you, and never stop kissing you, consequences be damned. I want to stay on Terok Nor just to be with you, and I want to live on Cardassia but only if you are there with me. I want nothing to change between us—I want you and I to stay locked in our perfect orbit around each other forever, always close enough to touch but never daring to, always distant enough that we can never get hurt. I want to steal the Bajoran Orb of Time and redo my whole life up until the day we met so that I can become someone actually worthy of your love. I want...</em>
</p><p>“Of course it matters what you want!” He flailed his arms. “I’ve had enough of you putting self-sacrifice for the good of the State above your own desires!”</p><p>“A bit presumptuous of you.” Why was he still resisting what he wanted? Just because he’d have to admit the image of himself he’d held all his life had been inaccurate? Was that such a great price to pay to be with the man of his dreams?</p><p>Julian rolled his eyes, his lips curling. “Garak, please. I mean, I did know what you wanted from me, you know. I’ve known forever, been sure since the first moment you looked at me, you weren’t exactly subtle... I guess I was just nervous at first, and then when I finally started responding, you started pulling away, deflecting, like you are now... It did sometimes made me wonder if I had only imagined it. But... just a minute ago you said you had feelings for me...” He lifted his hopeful gaze to meet Garak’s.</p><p>“I do have feelings for you, but I am perfectly capable of not acting on those feelings, if that is what is required of me in order to be a tool of Cardassia.” He said it like it was true.</p><p>“How does repressing everything actually help you or Cardassia or anything, though? And... ‘tool of Cardassia,’ really??? I mean, do you actually want to go back to doing more of... whatever exactly you did when you were in the Order?”</p><p>“You don’t even know what—”</p><p>“No, I don’t. And you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I know that whatever it was still haunts you!” He wasn’t wrong. Garak stayed silent.</p><p>Julian’s forehead was creased with frustration. “If you do truly want to rejoin the Obsidian Order, and carry on hurting people—and hurting <em>yourself,</em> Garak—then you’re right, I probably don’t want to be with you.” Then Julian’s expression softened. “But I guess I was under the impression you wanted to try to move on from that. When the neural implant was malfunctioning and you were so sick and in so much pain...” Julian squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, reeling from the unpleasant memory. “Garak, I know the stories you told me weren’t completely true, but when you asked for my forgiveness I was sure that you meant it. You seemed to truly want redemption.”</p><p>Garak looked away. “I thought I was dying. I would have gladly told any number of lies to get such a handsome young man to hold my hand one last time.”</p><p>Julian shook his head, flattered but utterly unconvinced. “No, I think that moment was probably the most honest you’ve ever been with me.”</p><p>Garak smiled sadly. “Do you know, for a second I truly thought that Tain would forgive me, I thought that I had finally found my chance at redemption. But... I was so wrong. Tain made it clear to me I could never be redeemed in his eyes, all I could ever be was useful, and I couldn’t even manage that. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different...</p><p>“And then... Tain started talking about eliminating people who knew too much...” Fear crept into his voice. “Tain knew about you and I, and how close we are, I’m sure of it, or even if he didn’t know yet he would have figured it out soon enough... And once he realized he would have had you killed, just to keep me isolated and unattached.” <em>He would have made me hurt you.</em> Garak was trembling and felt like he might collapse, so he reached out to Julian to steady himself.</p><p>At first he just grabbed at the fabric of Julian’s sleeve, but it wasn’t enough, so he moved his hands to Julian’s arms and just held on. Julian didn’t know what to do. He wanted to support him but he was still worried that Garak might recoil again if he tried to hold him. But then Garak took another step closer and leaned into him, resting his head on Julian’s shoulder, so Julian wrapped his arms around him.</p><p>“Garak, I’m so sorry, that’s absolutely horrific... But... Tain is gone. We saw the Romulan ship destroyed. You don’t have to worry about him trying to hurt me ever again.”</p><p>Garak wished he could believe that Julian was completely safe, but he knew Tain was far from his only enemy. But despite all of his worries, being held by Julian soothed him more than he could possibly say.</p><p>They clung to each other like that in silence until Garak’s breathing was considerably less erratic.</p><p>“Julian... I want to be with you, but I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t trust myself not to betray you. As unlikely as it is, what if I am miraculously allowed to go home to Cardassia someday? I don’t know that I’d be able to resist going home—nor would I want to...”</p><p>“Oh, I’m sure we could figure something out. I could visit you, or I could come with you, or... you could even just break up with me, if that’s what you wanted to do at that point. But I’m willing to give it a go, no matter how it ends up. I’ll gladly risk the chance of getting hurt later. I mean, the chance of things not working out is a risk with <em>any</em> new relationship, not just one between a handsome exiled former spy and a brilliant doctor. And... there’s always a chance that it will work out...”</p><p><em>Ever the optimist</em>, Garak thought fondly. Garak could barely believe it. Julian wasn’t just forgiving him for his past, he was trusting him into the future. He was setting his boundaries and reassuring him that he wouldn’t feel betrayed for any little thing. And Julian wasn’t just trying to start a relationship based something fleeting like physical attraction, he truly was envisioning a future with him!</p><p>But...</p><p>“Hmm, I suppose if it does work out between us then you’ll think I should defect to the Federation? Put on a Starfleet uniform?” Garak teased, but there was worry behind it.</p><p>Julian blinked. “Why would I want you to do that?”</p><p>“Isn’t that the basic playbook of the Federation? You wear down your enemies with kindness until they capitulate and agree to join you, and, in agreeing to follow your rules, become you.”</p><p>“Garak, don’t be ridiculous, that’s the most cynical thing I’ve ever heard, that’s not what we do... But even aside from your vast misconceptions about how the Federation operates, I don’t think what you need in order to heal is to just pick a <em>different</em> authority to blindly follow. And as much as I truly abhor some of your government’s policies and actions, I <em>love</em> how much you love your homeworld and your people. I wouldn’t be reading all those terrible Cardassian novels with you if your passion for them hadn’t inspired me to try to see the value in them.”</p><p>“But, what is the point of me loving Cardassia if I can’t be there? What is the point, if I can’t do anything to help Cardassia thrive?”</p><p>“Well, I’ve already seen you do some amazing things to help Cardassia, even from here. Remember how you brought me along on that adventure to the Bajoran orphanage? I think about that all the time... I had no idea what was happening for a single second of that trip, meanwhile you were preventing Dukat from interfering in the civilian branch of your government! Preventing a soft coup, on your own, from lightyears away!” He looked so impressed and proud, and Garak marveled at being the focus of Julian’s impassioned affection. “So I think you should just... keep looking for opportunities to help, keep trying your best, and, most importantly, keep being <em>you</em>.”</p><p>Garak nearly started crying, overwhelmed with love. Julian wasn’t trying to control the direction of Garak’s life, he just wanted to be included in it. Garak wondered if the artificial gravity on the Defiant was malfunctioning because felt like he could float. He didn’t know it was possible to feel this unburdened. It was the exact opposite of how he had felt during his time on the Romulan warbird.</p><p>“I... think I can manage that.”</p><p>“Excellent! Now that we’ve sorted that out, you can stop feeling guilty about all of your hypothetical future betrayals, and we can focus on figuring out how to proceed in our current reality.” He paused. “For instance,” he smiled deviously and leaned closer, “did you happen to think of a way I can repay you for that Delavian chocolate I denied you earlier?” Oh, it was embarrassing how even Julian’s unrefined attempts at flirting were enough to break every last bit of restraint left in Garak.</p><p>“Hmm, I have a few ideas, my dear.”</p><p>Garak took one of Julian’s hands in his own, and rubbed his thumb across the back of his hand. Julian, impatient as always, wrapped his other arm around Garak’s waist and pulled him in close, and whispered in his ear, “I’ve never wanted anyone as badly as I want you right now.”</p><p>Garak smiled like a crocodile and brought his free hand up to caress the back of Julian’s neck. For a moment they stayed like that, Julian waiting for Garak to make the next move, Garak savoring the warmth and pressure of Julian’s hand on the small of his back, savoring absolutely everything. He had wanted this forever and now he never wanted to forget the look of longing in Julian’s eyes, how completely entwined they were, how perfect everything felt. He wanted to bask in that feeling until the anticipation between them eventually grew too hot and boiled over into action.</p><p>Then Garak surrendered completely to his own desire, tilting his head slightly to the side, pressing his lips to Julian’s. Garak let go of Julian’s hand and let himself melt into his arms. He relinquished everything he had ever been told about what he was supposed to be. He let himself be truly selfish and refused to feel guilty about it.</p><p>The kiss was magical. Soft pliant human skin against the rough texture of Cardassian scales. Greedy, indulgent hands running through each other’s hair. Garak sucked on Julian’s lower lip and Julian moaned and deepened the kiss. Their lips opened and they tried desperately to consume each other. Julian tasted nothing like Garak had imagined, and Garak couldn’t get enough of him.</p><p>Without breaking their kiss Julian lifted Garak slightly in order to perch him on the edge of the biobed behind him. Garak wrapped his legs around Julian’s waist and drew him closer. They could feel each other’s arousal through their clothing as they writhed against each other.</p><p>Julian kissed along Garak’s jaw, then down the ridges on the side of his neck. “Julian...” Garak moaned involuntarily, throwing his head back in complete abandon.</p><p>“Elim...” Julian whispered, between kisses. Garak’s eyes widened. The sound of his own name coming from Julian’s mouth was as surprising as it was arousing. Where had Julian learned it? How long had he known it? It seemed his dear doctor was far better at both finding and keeping secrets than he’d given him credit for. It was intoxicating.</p><p>“Julian, please...” he panted. “Let’s go somewhere a little more private...”</p><p>*</p><p>They lay naked and spent in Julian’s bunk on the Defiant, limbs entangled, noses practically touching. There was barely enough room for both of them, and they clung to each other. Julian gazed adoringly at the disarray that Garak was in. Whatever method Garak usually used to tame his hair hadn’t stood a chance against the way Julian had desperately run his hands through it, or the friction of Garak’s head moving against the pillow as he’d fucked him. Julian loved the way Garak’s hair was now fanned out in a messy halo around his head, and he especially loved that he was the one responsible for Garak being in such a state. He had never seen him this unkempt and vulnerable. It made him feel completely trusted.</p><p>He suddenly realized that even though they’d just slept together, Garak had not outright confirmed whether or not he wanted an ongoing relationship. He had certainly implied it, but in a moment of insecurity Julian wasn’t sure and he wanted to hear him say it. Julian knew he would have to drag it out of him painstakingly.</p><p>“Garak... Elim, can you believe that I was so worried you wouldn’t understand that my note meant I liked you that I spent the whole time you were away trying to think of even more obvious ways that I could show you I was interested?” He idly traced his fingers over the beautiful patterns of scales on Garak’s chest.</p><p>“Oh? Well, feel free to keep showing me how interested you are even though you’ve already thoroughly succeeded in convincing me.”</p><p>“Oh, I intend to.” Julian kissed him sweetly on the nose, and grinned mischievously.</p><p>“Tell me, what sort of grand romantic gestures were you planning?”</p><p>“Well, Keiko and I brainstormed what kind of flowers you might like, and now Quark is having someone smuggle a <em>tskzaj</em> to the station for me to give to you.” He looked at Garak nervously, hoping that he’d deduced correctly that that particular variety of Cardassian cactus was suitably romantic.</p><p><em>Oh!</em> Garak thought. <em>Perhaps you appreciated </em>The Grains of Eternal Sand<em> after all!</em> “My dear, your Kardasi pronunciation is definitely improving! And a <em>tskzaj</em> of my own gifted to me by my dearest companion is about the loveliest thing I can think of, I’m truly touched.”</p><p>“That’s a relief, because Quark said there’s no refunds,” he grinned, and Garak chuckled. Julian got a sly look in his eye. “I was also going to commission a new outfit from you.”</p><p>“Hmmm. As much as I always appreciate your business, how would that be a romantic gesture?”</p><p>“<em>Becaaaause</em>,” Julian said, gently brushing a lock of Garak’s hair that had fallen into his face back behind his aural ridges, hoping he was being suave, “I was going to ask you to make me whatever you thought I should wear on my first date with you.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>Garak’s lip curled. “Ah, how convenient, then, that I’ve already made just such an outfit for you.”</p><p>“You what?” Julian sat up suddenly and hit his head on the underside of the upper bunk.</p><p>“It was just a bit of wishful thinking at the time. A turquoise shirt with an asymmetric v-neck and billowing sleeves, and a pair of dark violet pants.” Julian just stared at him, stunned, top of his head throbbing slightly where he'd just bumped it. “It has been quite a while since I made those pieces so I may need to take your measurements again to see if I need to make any alterations.”</p><p>He got up and coaxed Julian to stand up too. He dragged his fingers lightly from one side of Julian’s chest to the other, and started circling slowly around him appraisingly. He raised each of Julian’s arms up and out to the side, then traced his fingers slowly from shoulder to wrist, then lowered each arm back down.</p><p>Julian felt out of breath and giddy from Garak’s attentive touch, but he also strongly suspected that Garak’s approach was not particularly useful for measuring exact dimensions. Julian knew for sure that Garak was not actually doing any practical tailoring when he dropped to his knees and started to “measure” Julian’s inseam by brushing his parted lips slowly up his inner thigh. Julian laughed and let him continue his thinly veiled seduction for a moment, before pulling him up off his knees and into a kiss.</p><p>Then he remembered what had got them started on this charade. Breaking off the kiss, he said, “Wait, so... how long ago did you sew the clothes you imagined me wearing on our first date?” He couldn’t believe he’d been distracted so easily! He really was hopelessly in love.</p><p>“Right after the first time we met, my dear. Though I’ve certainly updated it a few times over the years as I’ve seen more of what you like to wear and...”—he cast his gaze downwards, clearly appreciating the view, then brought his eyes slowly back up to meet Julian’s, burning with desire—“...what you look good in.”</p><p>As Garak continued to drink in the sight of him, Julian struggled to focus on what they were even talking about. He had to admit that he much preferred this to Garak’s usual methods of deflecting questions. He idly wondered whether this kind of seduction had been part of his spy training, and then realized that he was completely turned on by the thought of Garak teasing state secrets and confessions of treason out of his lovers even as he pleasured them. <em>Focus, Julian!! I can sleep with him again AFTER I figure out if he wants to commit to a relationship or not! </em></p><p>“So you liked me so much that you sewed a whole outfit for me to wear on a date, but... were you ever planning on actually asking me out?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Why not?” he asked, a little hurt.</p><p>“I... couldn’t risk it.”</p><p>“And now you can? What changed?” <em>And is it going to change again?,</em> he wanted to add. Julian thought of the warning Jadzia had given him. He thought of everything they had just talked about in sickbay. All of the very plausible reasons Garak might choose not to be with him even if he had feelings for him.</p><p>“I suppose that something that I’ve always been afraid of no longer applies.” <em>Tain is dead, so he can never hurt you as a way to punish or isolate me. Tain is dead, so he can never disapprove of my relationships again, or call me a traitor to Cardassia for daring to fall in love. </em>Garak had started out this journey trying to save Tain’s life so it was odd to think about just how cathartic Tain’s death had been for him.</p><p>Julian recognized that he wasn’t going to get any more information than that from him right now. He bit back most of his questions, trusting that he would learn the answers someday if Garak wanted him to, and instead focused on the one question that mattered right now. “And now that this thing you feared is gone, do you think we can be together? In a relationship?”</p><p>“My dear, I thought it was obvious! I’ll stay with you for as long as you’ll have me.”</p><p>Julian, insatiable, kissed Garak again, and insistently pulled him back toward the bunk for another round. Garak couldn’t believe his luck. He supposed a little sentiment now and then was a weakness he was perfectly happy to indulge in.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!! I had a great time writing this, and I hope you enjoyed it! This is BY FAR the longest work of fiction I’ve ever written in any context, so I’m super proud of myself for both finishing it and posting it! Hope you enjoyed my illustration too! ^_^</p><p>I hope I managed to get close to the right balance of Garak simultaneously being a lying bastard who lies and a reluctantly kind-hearted sentimental old fool.</p><p>Anyway, I’m so so sooooo glad that the DS9 and Garashir fandoms are still going strong, even 20+ years after it was on the air! Garashir fic and other Garashir fan content has been a huge comfort to me throughout this difficult year, so I’d like to give a big shoutout to all Garashir fanfic writers, fan artists, and shitposters alike, and let you know that y’all are the best, and thanks, and I love you!!! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>fic playlist: Lay It on Me by Vance Joy, Heavy in Your Arms by Florence + the Machine, I Found by Amber Run, Hurt by Johnny Cash, Just a Ride by Rishloo, Smother by Daughter, Everything by The Pierces, On My Mind by Dead Rose Envy, Give Me an Answer by Low Roar, Coming Down by Halsey</p></blockquote></div></div>
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